The full story!

Hi there friends, I hope this finds you doing well! This past week I celebrated 5 years since my accident involving my left hand and realized I have never blogged about it...weird! I told a friend I would post about it, so I'm sticking to my word! It was Friday, January 14th, 2011 and it was a normal work day on the farm (I worked on a family farm back home in Alaska). Me and a few other of the workers were getting all of the machinery started, doing so involved pulling levers and tightening rods. I was on one end of a potato washer pushing down on a lever when my hand slipped and went fingers first into a moving chain. The chain began to feed my hand into the machine, we tried turning it off but it was jammed (with my hand). Things get a little blurry from there, but I do remember praying and begging God to have the machine stop. The machine didn't stop, but I will never forget hearing the word PULL as clear as day run through my head. I pulled as hard as I could (I actually had a bruise of a hand print on my arm from it) and just like that, my hand came out. I'll spare you all the gory details, but lets just say there was a lot of blood and I may have passed out! The next thing I remember was my brother in-law picking me up and taking me to the truck so we could drive to the ER. After hours in the ER, lots of pain medicine (we found out it takes a lot for me), X-rays, and stitches we came to the conclusion that I broke/crushed my index finger on my left hand and damaged some of my other fingers. From there, we decided surgery was in order and I ended up getting two pins placed in my finger to help it heal straight. A few weeks went by with lots of doctor appointments, Occupational therapy, and yet another surgery as I ended up getting an infection in my hand. A month after my first surgery I was able to get the pins out and start intense Occupational therapy, things were looking up. As time went by we realized I couldn't bend my finger to the full extent it should have been able to, so surgery #3 was scheduled so they could go in and break up all the scar tissue. A few months went by and they decided placing a permanent screw in the first (top) knuckle would be best since I completely crushed that part of my finger. After surgery #4 we figured complete healing would be on its way and things would get better, it wasn't till a few weeks later that we could tell that was not the case. See, my pain levels were not going down, in fact they were actually getting worse. I was constantly in pain, I wasn't sleeping due to the pain, and if my hand was touched or got bumped in certain places I would pass out because the pain was so server. The doctors ran some tests and diagnosed me with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, also known as CRIPS. All this meant was, the nerves in my hand were sending pain signals to my brain constantly and acting as though my hand was still being hurt. The normal treatment for this is going in for pain blocks, (where they stick a needle in your neck and put a block in your nerve system that is affected) and then usually some sort of nerve medication. I tried the nerve block twice but they didn't work the way they thought they would, and the medication they put me on gave me life threatening side affects. So pretty much, nothing was working. My doctor finally decided to run one last test to see how far the nerve damage went to see if removing the finger would help (if it went further up that would mean it was my whole hand). The test proved that most of my nerve damage was isolated to the index finger and that removing it would take most if not all the pain away (YAHOOO)! So you guessed it, my last and final surgery (#5) was scheduled. I don't think I had ever been so excited about going in for surgery as I was about this one! See, if I give you the complete time frame of everything, I was living in constant pain for a year and three months. Needless to say, I was ready for a change! April 5th, 2012 is the day I went into the surgical room with ten fingers and left with nine! I spent the night in the hospital as they wanted to monitor my pain since I had been living off of pain meds for over a year. Surgery went well and the weeks after proved that the surgery was the best decision as my pain began to go down (praise God). I will never forget the first time I saw my hand without the cast on though....there were lots of tears, as it was not pretty or "normal". To be completely honest, I locked myself in my room for three days. I was in shock, mortified, and just plain not okay with it all. It was ugly, different then what I was use to, and I was not a fan. It took a lot of prayer and seeking God's truth to start to turn my thinking around. As I look back, its actually kind of comical. See, I was dating a great guy at the time and he asked me to marry him in May, a month after my surgery. You know what that meant, right?! A ring, which meant the whole world wanted to have a look see...on the hand I was ashamed of... Lets just say, I had to get over it real quick! Its been 5 years since my accident and honestly, I don't miss my finger! I can look down to my left hand and see God all over it. If you think about it, I could have broke all my fingers or worse, lost my whole hand. I look back on that painful journey and actually thank God for it, because it was in those long, sleepless nights where my relationship with Christ grew leaps and bounds. I spent many hours in prayer, crying out to God in my pain. I can remember experiencing the withdraws from the pain meds and thinking I couldn't do it... I NEEDED the pills to survive, that's when God made it very clear that HE is enough. He was my portion and all I needed. I learned that even when I don't understand what He's doing, I can trust and take comfort in knowing that He is in control and He knows what He is doing. I learned a lot about God and myself through that journey and don't know where I would be without it happening. I now celebrate the day of my accident, as I know its a day when God changed my life forever (its the reason I live in Michigan-another post for another time). How do I celebrate? I eat potato everything on the anniversary of the accident! The moral of story, God can change your pain into something absolutely gorgeous if you let Him. I strongly believe that each trial we face can draw us closer to Him or pull us away, but we have a choice to make. We can fall to our knees and admit we can't do it on our own and let God near, or we can wave our fists in the air and tell God we got it and push Him away (option B results in more pain and devastation-just sayin). What will your choice be? Will you choose to draw closer to Him or push away? My prayer for you is that you drop to you knees and draw near. I also pray that you celebrate what God has done, even if it was really ugly and painful at the time. Lets be people who draw near to God and celebrate what He has done for, in, and through us.

It was one of those weeks!

Hey there sweet friends! It seems like forever since I last updated this, I'm so sorry. So, I have a question for you... Have you ever had one of those super emotional weeks? You know, the ones where it seems like your grasping for air or maybe the tissue box! Friends, that was me this week. It seemed like every time I turned around something else was jerking at my emotional box. I'll be real here, it got so bad that I was literally laying on my kitchen floor in a puddle while a dear friend spoke some bold Truth into me over the phone... Ya, I was a hot mess (or at least I felt like one)! Okay, so you get the picture, it was ugly! Now, lets fast forward to last night. Its Friday night and I have a Christmas tea to go to that if I were being honest, I would say I wasn't super excited about. I go and of course God shows up in a sweet way. I laughed, I worshiped our amazing God, and honestly actually had fun...like a lot of fun! I come home and Jesus and I had some sweet time filled with tears, me surrendering some things, and Him filling me back up. Friends, between last night and today God has been reminding me of some things. #1-Sometimes we just need to cry. You heard me, let those tears fall! I'll be honest, I was raised to stuff it all so this is not the easiest for me. BUT, I am learning! A sweet friend reminds me often that there is healing in the tears, and that its okay to cry. So, if you need to cry, cry! #2-Sometimes we just need to show up even when we don't want to. I think when we step out in faith and show up, that's when God likes to blow our socks off. I know its not easy and probably not the first thing we want to do, (or at least not for me) but I think its very important. I think sometimes that's all God asks of us in some situations, just to show up so He can do the rest. #3-Its okay to unplug. That's right, turn that cell phone and computer off...no Facebook, no Twitter, no Instagram, nothing! I think in times when our emotions are running high, one of the worst things we can do is get on Facebook and scroll through our news feed. I know for me when I'm not doing so well, the last place I want to be is on social media. Its okay to unplug and step away from all of that. I'm pretty sure if your feeling like a hot mess, the last thing you need to do is see how "Pinterest perfect" everyone else is...so not helpful or true as we know no one is perfect! #4-The most important. Get on your knees. I mean it, get on your knees and pray. Talk to God. Get in His word. Lean hard into Him. Friends, we are nothing without Him and we can only get so far on our own. We were not made to do this "life" thing by ourselves. He wants to journey with us. He wants us to call on His name. He wants to bottle each tear that falls. He cars. He loves us. We just need to let Him. Sweet friends, can we make a promise right here and right now? Can we promise that when things get hard, (because they will) that we will run to the arms of our loving Father? This world has nothing to offer that is lasting. It may give us things to help in the moment but then we come crashing down even harder then before. I know we would save ourselves a lot of heart ache, pain, and time if we just turned to Him instead of what this world has to offer. I don't know what your week, months, year, or even the upcoming holidays have or will hold but what I do know, is that God wants in. He wants to walk right beside you through it all. He wants to carry you when need be. Remember friends, He cares. He loves you. And He wants in-even when you feel like a hot mess!

My Best Yes!

Hey there friends, I hope this finds you doing well! As most of you know from my Instagram or Facebook I have been reading Lysa TerKeurst's book The Best Yes. Well, I just wanted to make an announcement to let you all know what my "best yes" is right now. I'm going to back up a little and tell you how it all started and how "it" all came to be, so bare with me! Okay, so back in December my church hosted an event called The Expressions Of Christmas and apart of that is there is always a guest speaker. The guest speaker of this past years event was a lady named Cindy Bultema. I'm gunna be honest here, I had no idea who she was or that we even attended the same church, (its huge-3 campuses) but what I can tell you is that after hearing her speak I wanted to meet her! After the event they had a time where you could meet the speaker but let me tell ya, the line was long...so, no meeting Cindy that night for me. Now lets fast forward to March of this year when my women's bible study decided to do a study called Red Hot Faith. Can you guess who the author is?! You guessed it, Cindy Bultema! One of the perks of doing her study if you live here in the Grand Rapids area is that she offers to come and do the first study (her story) with your group. I'm going to admit something here, I was soooo excited that I was finally going to meet this lady and that there was not going to be any waiting in line! That night she came and shared her beautiful story of God's amazing love, grace, and redemption, but God was up to something more. After that night her and I started Facebook messaging which lead to us hanging out and becoming friends. As our friendship grew we both knew God put us together for a reason (besides journeying life together as friends), we just weren't sure of the reason. Well friends, we are pretty sure of the reason now and are excited! A few months ago Cindy and I sat down for lunch and talked about me possibly helping her out with ministry and what that could or would look like. As I sat across from her listening to the things she needed help with so much started going through my head (Why me? Could this really be happening? I don't think I can do this. I'm going to need a new computer or get mine fixed.).Yes friends, even computer issues came to mind! See, I knew if this were to happen I couldn't do it all on my phone, but I also knew my computer was broke and I didn't have the money to get it fixed. So, I prayed! I asked God for the money! I will never forget driving back to work from having lunch with Cindy and asking God, "If this is what you want me to do, YOU need find me a place that will fix my computer for less then $200. Thanks and amen!" Well friends, by the end of the day I had a number of a company, I made the call, and they gave me a quote that would only go as high as (drum roll please) $100! THANK YOU JESUS! That same day I went out to one of my favorite places here in GR and watched the boats make the journey out to the big lake. The whole time as I gazed at the beautiful sail boats and watched them do what they were made for, God kept whispering in my ears. "Sweet child, they were not made to stay in the harbor, they were made to sail. They were made to leave safety and let the captain do his job." Oh friends, I still get goose bumps thinking about it! I could hear our sweet Abba telling me to step out in faith, telling me to do what He made me to do and to let Him do what He was made to do in my life. If that wasn't clear enough, He spoke to me through His word as well! A day later I was sitting on my porch praying and digging into His word asking for His direction. This is what He had to say, "...we speak as those approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel. We are not trying to please people but God, who tests our hearts...Because we loved you so much, we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well." (Thessalonians 2:4, 8) I could hardly believe it, right there in His word He was telling me what to do. I heard Him telling me He knew my heart beat, the heart beat He gave me. To speak His truth and love others. I was and am still in awe! So, after getting yes after yes from God I had a choice to make. Do I follow His leading and say my "best yes" to Him and Cindy, or do I let my own insecurities get the best of me and disobey Him. Well friends, as of about a month ago I said yes to God and to Cindy in helping her in ministry, and as of last week I officially started! I can now say I work part time for Bultema Family Ministries as Cindy's assistant, and I couldn't be more thankful or excited! I have already learned so much, helped at a few events, and seen God at work BIG time. I love that I get to be apart of this journey with Cindy and get a front row seat at watching God at work in the lives of His beloved daughters. I count it a true gift, honor, and joy that God would hand pick me to do something like this. I think I will be rubbing my eyes and pinching myself for some time just to make sure this is really happening!! So there ya have it, my "best yes"! How about you friends, what is your "best yes" in this moment? What is God calling you to say yes to? I pray that as things come up you would go to Him and ask for His guidance. I pray you trust Him to do what He has said He would do and that you would follow and do what He has created YOU to do.

Another layer...GONE!

Hey there sweet friends! As I sit here with coffee in hand and an open conversation with our Sweet Abba, I'm trying to muster up the words to describe the missions trip I was just on. I'm trying to figure out how to help you see what God is up to in Mazatlan Mexico, and to help you see what He did in me. I'm gunna be honest here, I don't think there are enough or even the right words to even begin to describe how I saw and experienced God at work. I'll try my best, but somehow I just know it won't do it justice. While in Mazatlan we had the opportunity to visit and serve at three different children homes and two different villages that are very much poverty stricken. We did everything between knocking a cement wall down, yard work, painting buildings, to building a home and playing with children from each location. I will tell you I have never worked so hard or sweated so much in my life! Each place we visited was unique in its purpose and needs and each so full of hope. Hearing the stories of how some of those children came to be in the homes was heart wrenching, but to hear and see the unique heart beat of each location was beautiful and such a blessing. The homes we visited consisted of a special needs, an all girls who have been rescued from horrible abuse, and a girls home who are trying to further their education in a family atmosphere. While visiting each location we had the blessing of being able to get a tour and at the same time pray over each room. I would say this was one of my favorite things to do as I love to pray, but also because it helped us understand the vision for each home. The people of Back2Back have such a heart for the community of Mazatlan and are doing all they can to help break the cycle that leads to broken families and children having to live in these homes. As I mentioned before I had never worked so hard in my life until this trip (my muscles still hurt) but more importantly, I don't think I have ever seen or experienced God at work so much in such a short amount of time. We had the opportunity to see the hope, love, and safety these homes provide for the children, and we were able to see God's handiwork woven all throughout it. Not only did we get the blessing of seeing how God is shinning His bright light in such a dark area, but we were able to be apart of it. We literally were able to be His hands and feet to the children and for those who serve the children on a daily bases. We were able to start and finish some work projects and love on the kids all at the same time. BUT, as much as I thought God was sending us to be the blessing He was actually sending us to be blessed. I had a lot of amazing God moments, but I think I will stick to sharing only two (you can ask me for more if you would like)! God moment #1 begins with a person. See, I was put into the smallest of our three groups and put with leaders I didn't know, and I was a little nervous about that. As I look back on the trip I couldn't be more thankful for the group I was apart of and for the leaders God chose for me. The wife of the amazing leader duo quickly became a dear friend and someone God used in mighty ways to speak truth and love into me during some of the hardest times of the trip. God used her to open my eyes to some of what He was teaching me while there. He used her to teach me that its okay to cry, to show and go through emotion and to not be ashamed of that. He used her words to speak tenderly to my heart as He asked me to trust Him with the deepest emotional parts of my heart. He took two people who hardly knew each other and put them together for a greater purpose, for healing. He created a sweet friendship that I will forever be grateful for. God moment #2 would have to be how God used our trip to the Floreser home(the all girls home). This was the home I was most wanting to visit, but was not expecting God to use it in the ways He did. With each room we visited, story heard, and girl I came in contact with I felt God breaking me in ways I had never been broken before. I felt like He was giving me a little glimpse of the pain and tears He went through for each girl and in reality for me. I felt like for a short while He let me see these girls and myself through His eyes. I saw brokenness, abuse un-imaginable, fake smiles, layers of hurt, and yet at the same time I saw hope, grace, forgiveness, love, redemption, beauty, and Him holding it all in the palm of His hands. I saw what He was doing for each girl, and I saw what He has and is doing for me. There for a short bit I felt like I had the weight of their wolds on my shoulders and yet, by the end of the night (and a long conversation with that new friend I was telling you about) I felt a hundred pounds lighter. God peeled yet another layer off this daughter of His and it feels so refreshing! As Joyce Meyer would say"I'm may not be where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be!" I am beyond thankful for where God has taken me from and where He is leading me to, all I can do is enjoy the journey and be used as much as possible along the way. So there ya have it, or at least some of it! I hope this gave you a little glimpse into what God is doing in Mazatlan and in my heart. Thank you all so much for the prayers while we were gone, pretty sure they were answered!

Forgiveness

Hey there friends! I'm so sorry its been awhile since my last post. Not gunna lie, I had few rough weeks in there. The last time I posted we were talking about freedom and what that looks like. I had mentioned two major things that I feel need to happen in order to experience true freedom. One being thankful for your past, no matter the pain and hurt and the second being forgiveness. Lets dig into the later of the two, forgiveness...! What does it mean and what does it look like? For me:it means not holding onto the wrong that was done to you by someone and not letting it define you, the other person, or the relationship. Its not saying that what was done is okay and that they are right. Its simply saying that you are not going to hang on to it anymore. Forgiveness is giving the hurt and the person who hurt you over to God. Its letting go and letting God. Sometimes its not someone else we need to forgive so much as we need to forgive ourselves. Same thing applies though, letting go, not letting it define you and your future, and letting God take it from you is a must. Last summer was a huge season of healing for me and most of that came from choosing to forgive. See, when we don't forgive (ourselves or others) its as if we are dragging that hurt and offender around with us...like its chained to us..dragging us down...rotting us from the inside out. Choosing to NOT forgive hurts US way more then it hurts the other person (and sometimes it doesn't even hurt them at all). So really, by choosing to not forgive is shooting yourself in the heart and waiting to slowly bleed out. I'll be honest here, its not easy. It unusually involves a LOT of prayer, mixed emotions as you work through the hurt and letting it go, and sometimes a daily choice to forgive for a while (depending on how deep the hurt runs). For me it involved a lot of prayer, tears, letting go of all I knew (the hurt, the habits I had because of it, and even letting go of some of the people that had hurt me), and humbling myself enough to admit I couldn't hang on to it anymore. I had to make a choice. A choice to either hang on to the hurt and let it destroy me or let it go and walk free from the bondage it had on me. Friends, choosing to forgive as hard as it was, was the best choice I ever made. I can say that because of that choice I am not the same person I was and that God has more room to continue to mold me into the woman He wants me to be. So who do you need to fogive? Is it yourself? A family memeber or a friend? What hurt(s) are you hanging onto? What are you letting drag you down? I urge you to take some time and talk with God, ask Him to reveal to you what your not letting go of. Trust me, its a prayer He wants to answer! After you figure it out, please take time to forgive. Forgive yourself. Forgive the offender. Whoever it is for whatever they did, I pray you CHOOSE to forgive and start your journey to complete healing and freedom. I can promise you that you wont ever regret the choice of forgiveness over harboring the hurt and pain. I'm praying for your, friends! I pray you choose to walkn in freedom!

Freedom

Hey there blogger friends! I have a question for you...what does freedom in Christ look like/mean to you? I was chatting with some dear ladies last night and this subject came up. Each of us had something to add to the meaning, but in the end it all boiled down to the same two things. 1-Being able to thank God for your past (no matter what it looks like). And 2-Forgiveness, forgiving your self for whatever you may have done and also forgiving those who hurt you (no matter how deep the hurt). Lets talk about the first one-being thankful for your past. Some of us may have been able to get this far with not a whole lot of bad happening, but I feel as though you could probably look back and pick at least one thing you wish never would have happened (abuse, divorce, bad choices, addictions...). When I look at my past, I see a lot of sadness, hurt, abuse, bad choices, and the list goes on...but I also see Gods protection (yes even though a LOT of bad happened), Gods AMAZING grace, lessons learned, and as my dear friend Cindy would say "faith muscle building" opportunity, and honestly a whole lot more. I know I wouldn't be who I am or where I am without my past. Does our past define us? No! Praise God! But, if we let it, it can actually help us be a better person in Christ and help others in similar situations. Being thankful for our past is not saying what we did or what was done to us was okay. Its simply being able to look at the crap and being able to see the good in it. For me, I can look back and thank God for:1-Being with me each step of the way (even when I didn't know Him). 2-Bringing me out of the muck and mire. 3-Molding me into who He has made me to be because of it. 4-Giving me a story I can use for His glory..I could go on! Do you see where I'm going with this?! No matter how bad it was friends, He can use it. One of my favorite verses is found in Romans chapter 8 verse 28 and it goes like this, "And we know that in ALL things God works for the GOOD of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Do you see that, it even says it in the Bible-that He will work it out for the GOOD! Is it easy to be thankful for the yuckyness of our past? No. But if we started looking at it in a differnt light...not about us but about what God did through it, I believe it makes it easier to be thankful. I have challenge for you! Take some time, look back to whatever it may be and look for God in it...then thank Him! Praise Him for who He is and the work He has and continues to do in you. For me, once I took ME and I out of it and looked for HIM in it, it was a game changer.I pray that as you look for the amazing ways God weaved His grace and love through your past, your eyes and heart would be opened to a whole new and amazing God we are so lucky to have as a friend and father. The wonderful work He has, is, and continues to do in you is beautiful! I'll come back in a few days and talk about forgivness and what that looks like!

Thankful

As I sit here and think about this past week I can't help but to be thankful. This past week was not the easiest for me as I have been struggling, but as my dear friend Cindy has said..."when life gives you lemons don't forget the sweet stuff!" Dear friends, can I share my "sweet stuff" with you?! First off, God has blessed me with some pretty amazing ladies, who I can be raw and real with and who lift me up in prayer. I am beyond thankful for each lady He has hand placed in my life, for their encouragement, prayers, and examples. There were MANY times this week that I had to sound my trumpet and asked for prayer, and they were there and ready! Which, leads me to my second thankful-GOD! I love that we serve a God who is all knowing, loving, forgiving, and...I could go on! I'm beyond thankful that I can cry out to Him at anytime, in any place, for anything. Isn't He just the best! I'm also thankful for the sun-yes, that big yellow thing in the sky! Its been a long winter here in the mitten (which means a lot of days with no sun) and its nice to finally see and feel it! Friends, how many days do we let go by without being thankful? How many blessings do we receive without thanking God for them? How many times do we let the distraction of a bad day (or week) keep us from seeing the "sweet stuff"? I'm gunna be honest here, I'm guilty.I'm guilty of not giving God the praise when He is so deserving. I'm guilty of letting the "lemoms" of life get the best of me at times. This weekend has been full of some good time on my knees crying out yo God, asking for forgiveness, and asking for help as I walk into this next week. I know that I can't do it on my own, thank God its in His strength that we can get through this whole "life" thing! I want to encourage and challenge all who are reading this to not let a day go by without being thankful. I don't care if its for your toothbrush, husband, job, or something God is doing in your life. I strongly believe that once you start thanking Him for things it will become easier to find more things to be thankful for..and it actually becomes fun as well! Oh, one last thankful-YOU! I may know you, I may not, but I'm still thankful for you. YOU are a child of God, a wonderful masterpiece, and are dearly loved by an awesome God. I pray as you read these words, you hear God whispering in your ear how amazing He thinks YOU are...no matter the struggle, the rough week you had, or how much you mess up. He loves YOU!